Heart of the Matter.

Roughly two weeks ago I completed my internship with a New York City agency. Roughly one week ago, I arrived back home in Florida to thaw my soul.

During that time I was able to reflect on what would become my next steps. Ultimately, my answers are still, “I don’t know,” but I’m happy to say, I have an idea.

On the last day of my internship I wrote, “New York City is mad, but it’s magic,” and while that statement is true, I don’t know if it has enough magic to enchant me to return. I’ve mentioned my feelings in a previous post, but something was missing. I wasn’t necessarily lying, but I wasn’t telling the whole truth, and those facts are: I didn’t enjoy the agency with whom I interned and I didn’t really enjoy NYC.

In the four months I lived in New Jersey, commuted into the city and interned with a NYC agency, I fell victim to individuals who disregarded anything resembling civility to strangers and fell prey to an office that misrepresented their true value of interns.

Of the two, the latter proves a far more severe blow. Wherever my life takes me to serve God, I know I will encounter individuals who are rough around the edges. However, I walked into this internship anticipating hardships, but I never anticipated the heartache.

I left previous internships with an elevated confidence in my skills and abilities. While I did have moments of doubt, they were rare and brief. However, during this internship, I seemed to be plagued with a cloud of doubt, though I’d start my day with faith in the success that awaited me. All too often I’d end the day questioning not only my skills, but my passion and my purpose.

Is this what I want to turn into a career? Is this how I’m to live the life I’m called to live? Is this for me?

I’d also find myself feeling like a liability and a burden, if I were noticed at all. During one particular occasion, I overheard someone refer to me as, “the little Asian intern.” While I initially laughed it off, I later realized not only can those four words be interpreted as demeaning and politically incorrect, but it diminishes views on self worth and harbors the growth of doubt.

Is this the culture of every office? Is the type of environment I want to join? Are these the type of professionals I aspire to become?

My worries and doubt followed me like a shadow and I clinged to brief, light-hearted moments with some fellow interns. I shared my worries with them, my family and my friends. My Mom, with her hopes that I’ll one day become a lawyer or a doctor suggested Law School or Medical School. My friends, taking my side, comforted me saying, “You’re awesome. Don’t worry about it.” But, of course, I worried.

It wasn’t until I reached out to a friend, fellow Brazen PR team member and aspiring PR professional that some of my worries were diminished. She reminded me of a fact that had faded into the distance. She reminded me, I am talented and I am worthy. Her email read:

“…remain confident. I remember back when you first joined the PR program you kept saying ‘I don’t know why they picked me!’ and by the time you were done, you were 1/4 of the BEST GROUP IN THE ENTIRE CLASS. We wouldn’t have won that contest without you. You are in the very top tier. Just remember your worth, and while I know it is SO SO SO beyond frustrating to not have a job and a stable place to land right now, know that it is ok and that it WILL happen. Just don’t let it kill your spirits because you have the talent. Don’t ever lose that confidence that you’ve got what it takes…”

I’ve now ventured into the job hunt with restored confidence in my skills, my ability and my worth. My hopes for NYC have also been restored – though only a small bit. To say it’s my main city of focus would be a lie, but truth be told, it isn’t the end, maybe…just maybe, it’s a respite.

It’s that time of year again. Hundreds upon thousands of college students settle down after a semester-long party to study for finals. A number of those students will be settling down to study for the last time, as they prepare themselves to walk across the stage and end their journey through college. 

For some, the journey will end with a sigh of relief. There were moments of doubt, but you passed, you made it, you’re going to receive your diploma. For others, finals are a welcomed distraction from the world beyond college. You have the pressure of finding a “real job” and making something yourself. But for many, they fall short and end up moving back home. Now, if you fall into the latter category, what does that make you? 

That makes you a welcomed member of a society of college graduates everywhere. In this community, your neighbors understand the pressure of finding a job and the difficulty in landing the right job.  Sooner or later, you may get exactly what you wanted, a job in the field you’ve studied, but you’ll quickly learn, it may not turn out as you wished. Regardless, have faith and have hope, because you’ll leave with invaluable takeaways. Need proof? 

A couple of months ago, I was offered a paid internship position in NYC in the field I had spent four years studying. After months of unsuccessful searches, I decided to take a leap of faith, pack my bags and move up north into my aunt’s spare bedroom. I thought it’d be a good fit, but as months passed and early morning commutes from NJ to NYC came and went, I learned this agency wasn’t for me. 

While I learned a great deal about the PR industry I learned a little more about myself. I learned what I needed and what I wanted from a future career. First there was the basic things on the surface. For instance, the type of agency, their audience and who they represent. In which, I learned, I need a creative environment that’s welcoming and nurturing to thoughts directed, not so much “outside the box,” but around different box.

Then, there were the aspects in regard to the team, who makes up the agency, the superiors, and art of someone calling you by your name versus someone referring to you as, “the little asian intern.” With that, I also learned how I would want to inspire those with whom I work. I learned, regardless of level within a company, it’s always best to work with someone rather than for someone. It builds a sense of solidarity and understanding, that the corner office on the top floor couldn’t stand without the small cubicle down below. 

Perhaps, these are all internal musings from a intern in corner, but it may represent more about an agency than their “about” section on the website. Regardless, I’m grateful for the opportunity and the lessons learned. I’m also grateful it wasn’t and isn’t my forever.